Church + Bingo = My ass handed to me by senior citizens
Last night in Mandurah on the way to get pizza for my mum and gf we went passed a church advertising bingo. The sign said ‘Bingo Tonight: Eyes Down 7.30″ I thought the whole “Eyes Down” thing was just a bunch of elderly ladies being cute but little did I realise I was about to step into the world of hardcore bingo. Now I thought after you hit 60 in age you couldn’t really be hardcore at anything and I couldnt help but smirk to myself when I walked into to see Betty Boop bingo daubers (a dauber being a bingo marker for extra speed, more info here for those of you playing at home) but I have been wrong before. Now, I was a force to be reckoned with when it came to speed and accuracy in Grades 4-7 in primary school I figure I have a knack for number tracking and speed writing so I was doing my stretches ready to push these ladies that last inch to their graves. I was nominated to be the one to talk to the registrar about not making us look like idiots which wasnt a good idea because I left the counter with the more difficult and expensive and generally more hardcore bingo book option. I was however ready to prove I wasnt punching above my bingo weight. I did mention the speed and accuracy thing in primary school right? Dont forget it.
The registrar hailed down a lady called Janet who was going to give us a run down of how it all works to promote us from “noobietard” to plain “noob”. I thought bingo was just about getting all the numbers then yelling bingo and listening to everybody else groan. Nope, there are a bunch of other games with names like “snowball” and “whingers” requiring you to form different shapes with your numbers too. So we had a team of ladies marking our books to making it easier for us and then Janet made some remark about her being “out of it” because of her medicine and she hobbled up the stairs onto the stage.
The lady next to me said that she hopes Janet calls them slow tonight. “Slower than what?” I thought. “Great” I thought I was going to be stuck in this poorly ventilated room all night listening to the sounds of old people eating dried fruits. Janet welcomed everybody and they got the usual corn of the raffles out the way. Janet then went through the rules, something like “no clawing or fish-hooking” I think.
I like bingo, mice and television
Finally it was time for the luck-fest. “2 and 3.. 23″ I found it quick and went to look around at all the old folks struggling with their bingo cards but before I could put on my smug Gen Y “fit a billion songs onto my ipod” smile Janet was already calling another number and another. “Jesus I think Janet is reacting to her meds!” Everyone seemed fine and were zipping through their bingo cards at speeds beyond what their arthritis medication would allow. I stored a few numbers away in my head and managed to catch up mostly because I figured out the vertical numbering system on the cards which the lady next to me “forgot” to mention.
A few thing would repeatedly throw off my number search throughout the night.
- Janet’s accent whenever she says bingo
- the whistling whenever 11 is called (legs 11)
- the excitement whenever I think I have slight chance of winning because I’m thinking “If I win…and I call out bingo for the whole room to hear.. what if my voice cracks for a sec like an adolescent which I am still susceptible to.
At one point I thought I had a bingo (in the whingers game, laugh if you want just like my girlfriend did) but upon close inspection realised that I did not. Suspense.Drama. “Never mind” I called back. Janet then gave me a disapproving look like my 2nd grade teacher (2 years before being awesome at speed and accuracy). I look over at my girlfriend, she is having a ball. A month ago she proclaimed she was a maths genius when she was a kid but I think that’s a load of bull. A lady a few seats down goes through her bag and pulls out a bright orange dauber for me, I thought I was doing perfectly ok but according to her +3 vision adjusting reading glasses I was not.
I didnt win a cent that night and including the bingo books, daubers and a bottle of water I was down about $70. My girlfriend however won $50 dollars in the very last round. I asked her if she was going to spend her money and she said she was going to keep it in her journal as a souvenir. I could have buried her in a shallow grave right there outside of that church.
